Category Archives: Obituaries

Remembrance of Kris Past

Kris bought this shirt and never wore it, but it encapsulates her quirky sense of humor.

C. Kristine Osnes. I have been sworn to secrecy regarding the C. for more than 30 years. It was a measure of our friendship that Kris ever entrusted me with that small secret detail of her identity.

Kris and her then-partner Adrienne lived in the Summit apartments in Albuquerque in the early 1980s until they bought a house on Las Lomas just west of University of New Mexico’s (UNM) main campus. Kris first got an MA in English. Adrienne reports that Kris often said “I want to go to law school.” Adrienne said, “What does it take to go to law school? Let’s find out.” Kris applied, got in, and started in the fall of 1983. She later told Adrienne, “This is when I really learned to write.”

Kris and I met in 1983 as first year students at UNM’s School of Law. She was a wisp of a girl–very short white-blond hair, barely 100 pounds, shy, quiet, observant. Eventually Kris and I talked. We shared a love of books, words, writing, legal analysis and chocolate. During our third and final year of law school, we were assigned as partners in tax law clinic by our professor Scott Taylor. He and his partner Chris were going on sabbatical, and I think Scott decided that Kris and I needed each other.

Kris and I did tax clinic together for a semester. We represented clients before the IRS, spending HOURS preparing. Scott sent us out there alone to audits and other IRS matters on behalf of our clients. Kris and I were a great team who got excellent results for our clients, but had we been calculating billable hours, no one could have afforded us. We spent so much time together nitpicking every detail, doing extra research, plotting and planning what to say once we got to IRS offices.

Kris and I didn’t have much in common. She was a city girl who loved the urban life, noise, traffic, etc. I was an outdoor girl who loved hiking, camping, and nature. Kris smoked cigarettes to which I was deathly allergic. I loved to bake, cook, experiment with all types of cuisines. Kris, a Minnesotan, once debated that cool whip counted as salad. Kris loved fine, name brand clothes and lots of them (I did benefit from her hand-me-downs for many years, some of which I still wear); I was a thrift store junkie. But we shared important things such as a love of learning, dedication to the law, an ethical approach to the world, a fascination with words and how they fit together, and deep loyalty as friends.

During our third year of law school, we both decided to apply to New Mexico Supreme Court Justice Mary Walters for judicial clerkships after graduation. She had two clerks, and we wondered if we could both be hired. I interviewed with Justice Walters (a former probate judge!) in Santa Fe. At some point she threw up her hands in frustration saying, “I hate this! ALL of you are smart. ALL of you have excellent writing skills. ALL of you are hard workers with impeccable references. How am I supposed to decide?” She decided to go by class rank. Kris graduated #19 in our class, I was #20. Alas, Kris was hired, I was not. But at the end of my interview, Justice Walters threw me a bone. “Have you talked to Judge Bivins on the Court of Appeals,” she asked. “No,” I replied, “I only applied to you.” “Go talk to Bill Bivins. Tell him I sent you.” “Are you saying just show up in his office? With no resume or appointment?” “Yes, go.” she said, shooing me out of her office.

So I dropped by Bill Bivins’ office, telling his secretary Georgia Romero that Justice Walters had sent me, and assuming I would set up an appointment to interview another day. Georgia said, “wait a moment,” disappeared, came back and said, “The judge will see you now.” Oh, dear, for an anal-retentive Virgo, going to an interview unprepared was like being condemned to hell. But I went, we talked, and he hired me. We both had Tennesse and Vanderbilt connections. I think that sealed the deal. At least this meant that Kris and I would both be clerking in the same building in Santa Fe.

We rode the SECA (State Employees Commuter Association) van between Albuquerque and Santa Fe the first year. Sometimes our driver was drunk, so I’d have to drive the van back to Albuquerque. Kris and I rode together, chatting both ways or trying to nap. Our twelve-hour days were brutal, including commutes and working. But we learned a lot and refined our legal writing and research skills. I sometimes created whimsical sketches during the commute. This drawing shows Judge Alarid, who was also on the Court of Appeals, and Kris commuting. I believe Kris is the only friend I’ve ever drawn (10/27/86).

I can’t remember if we walked every day on our half hour lunch break, but I do remember that on Fridays, we would walk around Santa Fe and treat ourselves to the cheapest food we could find/afford–hot dogs, burritos, pastries. It was our reward for surviving another week. I took this photo of Kris in December 1986 in front of the Supreme Court building. This was long before cell phones and social media, and it is one of only a handful of photos that I have of Kris.

Kris, Santa Fe, December 1986

After law school, Kris, Adrienne, my sweetheart Mark and I became a foursome. We played scrabble, shared meals, talked, and hung out. Kris had an Amazon parrot named Lexis who adored Mark and hated me. Lexis was named for an online legal research tool, an invention slightly ahead of its time.

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Mark and I eloped in our backyard at noon in late May 1991; Judge Bill Bivins officiated. Eight other people were invited, and they didn’t know it was a wedding until they arrived. Kris was one of the guests:

1991

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Kris moved to Minnesota for a few years in the mid 1990s after she and Adrienne parted ways in 1995. I remember that Mark, Kris and I sat under our back arbor, and Mark and Kris shared a cigarette in mourning for her departure. I even had a puff although it nauseated me.

Darcy and Kris got together in 1996 and were together until Kris’s death. Kris moved back to New Mexico to be with Darcy. About a year after they became a couple, Kris was diagnosed with COPD. She quit her filterless Lucky Strikes, but it was too late. As her lungs and oxygen levels deteriorated, she became dependent on 24/7 supplemental oxygen. She was put on a list for a lung transplant.

Kris and Darcy were one of two couples with whom we had monthly dinner dates. Kris was working at a large law firm, and she was not comfortable being openly gay. One day she asked Mark to be her “date” to a UNM basketball game outing planned by her law firm. I argued with her “just be who you are.” “You don’t understand,” she said. “I can’t risk my livelihood.” Mark went with Kris, even though they were both sports-impaired, and they had a good time. Eventually Kris became Mark’s best friend in Albuquerque; he’ll write his own entry about that. Years later it turned out the law firm knew Kris was a lesbian and didn’t care. Her law firm valued her for her brilliant mind, exquisite writing skills, work ethic, knowledge of appellate and insurance law, and analytical prowess. Plus Kris was an avid golfer, so she fit right in!

Eventually Darcy and Kris decided to build a house just west of Old Town near the Biopark. It was a really cool, two-story house with a giant metal heron affixed to the outside. We had fun parties and dinners at the new house, played with the cats, and admired Darcy ‘s beautiful gardens, but after a while, Kris’s lungs were not up to the task of climbing the stairs to her lair. We had a fun 50th birthday party in that house, and my favorite photo of Kris and me was taken then:

50 and Counting!

Darcy sold that house and bought her mom’s old house across from Alvarado Park, just a few blocks from us.

In 2007, Mark and I celebrated 25 years of being together. Instead of one big party, we spent the entire year having small dinner parties, totaling 25 guests, our favorite and closest friends. Kris and Darcy were two of those guests:

Celebrating 25 Years & Darcy’s Birthday

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While awaiting a new lung, Kris’s world was forever altered when her brother John, a renowned jazz pianist, was murdered on November 23, 2008 in California: https://homicide.latimes.com/post/john-osnes/

In 2010 John’s killer was sentenced to 15 years to life for the murder of John Osnes. The LA Times reported, “A jury convicted J— last month in the death of Osnes, a jazz pianist known as a stickler for pedestrian rights, who was beaten by J— and run over by his SUV after a confrontation in a Hollywood crosswalk early in the morning of Sunday, Nov. 23, 2008.” Her sister Mary told me, “John was going to be the person who was to help Kris through her transplant recovery. It was hard on Kris, and all of us for that matter, not having John’s support and help [after he was murdered].”

When Governor Newsom commuted the killer’s sentence in 2020, Kris was horrified. This single act profoundly tainted her notions of justice and fair play. One article stated that the family could not be contacted prior to the commutation. The reality is that no one from the governor’s office ever tried to contact the family, and no one informed them that John’s killer had been released:   https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2020-03-28/newsom-commutes-sentence-of-swedish-rapper-in-2008-road-rage-killing

Mary said, “When Governor Newsom commuted J—’s sentence, Kris put on her lawyer hat and went toe to toe with Governor Newsom’s office and the California Innocence Project (https://californiainnocenceproject.org/) who supported that J— was wrongfully convicted. This resulted in the CA Innocence Project removing their insinuations that J— was somehow innocent from their website.”

Now Kris’s family included only her beloved sister Mary,

Sister Mary Beth and Kit, photo by CKO

Darcy, and an assortment of cats and rescued greyhounds and whippets.

Kris’s Menagerie of Pets, photo by CKO

Of course, Kris also had a cadre of devoted friends. In 2007 she and Mark went to Bosque del Apache Wildlife Refuge in Kris’s Miata convertible.

Pre-Transplant Road Trip to Bosque del Apache, photo by MJH

In December 2009 Kris finally got the call that Fairview had a match for a new lung. Darcy reports, “We headed to Minnesota that night in a Learjet provided by Air Angels and, once there, were driven to the hospital in a stretch limo with Christmas lights in the ceiling and white leather seats.” 

I’ll spare readers the details of the transplant, the long scar, ‘roid rage, and other hurdles that come with transplants and recovery. Mary said, “Kris needed to have someone with her 24 hours a day for several months. This was impossible for Darcy, since she had animals and other matters to care for at home. They hired a great young man Tim who would be there from Sunday to Friday. I was with her on the weekends. When Kris finally got the green light to go home to Albuquerque, she and Tim drove straight through without stopping.” The transplant was a success; Kris’s oxygen levels were good enough that she no longer needed supplemental oxygen.

Kris had adventures both solo and with Darcy, driving Route 66 and other roads and sightseeing,

Ocean Raven, photo by CKO

but mostly cocooning at Walking Raven Central, a giant room in Darcy’s house, filled with books, ravens, computer paraphernalia, online gaming equipment, rubber duckies, an assortment of Teletubbies, puppets, and trinkets.

Carson and Teletubby, photo by CKO

Darcy, Kris, Mark and I continued our monthly dinner dates.

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My mom died in 2013 and Mark and I adopted Autumn, a papillon mix from Lap Dog Rescue, later that year. Autumn did not let anyone pick her up except us and her foster mom. Autumn would shriek if anyone tried. But in March of 2014, when Autumn was less than a year old, this happened:

Kris and Autumn, 2014, photo by mjh

I have no explanation other than Kris had good dog karma.

Kris and I used to have “girl dates,” mostly lunches where we’d talk about law, classmates, friends, family and books.

Kris was the best librarian I ever had. We both loved reading and she finally convinced me to borrow her Kindle for a long camping trip. I thought that I was one of those folks who loved holding an actual book to read, but it turned out that putting 8 books on a 10 oz. contraption and reading them in the middle of nowhere, Colorado, was awesome. Kris showed me that I love books, no matter what form they’re in. Every book she recommended, I loved. Our taste was eclectic: Louise Erdrich’s The Last Report on the Miracles at Little No Horse, Jasper Fforde’s 4-book Kazam series featuring teenage heroine Jennifer Strange, Scarlett Thomas’s Popco, Willa Cather, Proust, Tolstoy, T.S. Eliot.

Girls’ Lunch Date 2012

In addition to our shared love of reading, Kris pushed me to write. She said it was in my blood and I could be a southern writer like Flannery O’Connor or William Faulkner. I think Kris vastly overestimated my ability, but I did write one blog entry due to Kris’s nagging.
My 2014 Retrospective written at Kris’ Request

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Kris made it almost thirteen years with her new lung. Mary reports, “A note on the time Kris lived with her new lung: she truly was happy. She loved her time alone reading, online shopping, Facebook, playing video games, and getting an occasional social fix. She learned to live in the moment and not succumb to any “shoulds.” She listened to what she wanted.” Mary also said, “Kris donned her lawyer cap many times with her health insurance company, especially about prescriptions. She showed me that having a chronic condition practically requires full-time attention.”

Kris was also very proud of her new lung’s longevity (surviving ten years was considered great, so thirteen was exceptional). We would have “another year and I’m still here” parties and celebrations. Kris diligently ingested sixty or so meds daily,

Kris Meds, photo by CKO

endured injections to stave off organ rejection, and dodged several health bullets during those years.

Pre-Covid Kris, Darcy, Mark and I ate out together almost every month. July 2022 was the last time the four of us ate out together. We were supposed to have a joint birthday dinner (I’m a few days older than Kris) in mid-September. But Darcy called that morn and reported she had tested positive for Covid. She and Kris sequestered from one another and Kris was negative for five days. On day seven, Kris sent an email that she had tested positive for Covid. It seemed to be a mild case, she was in the hospital briefly, but returned home October 7. Then Kris experienced terrible pain and was readmitted to the hospital with pancreatitis and blood clots. Darcy sent periodic reports, and Kris was better on October 15. Suddenly Kris sharply declined, was in great pain, and finally was sent to hospice, where she died the next morning, October 19. Mary, who was travelling abroad, got to say “goodbye” via phone shortly before Kris died. Darcy was the only person allowed to be with Kris as she took her last breath.

Kris’s friends, colleagues, and fans are heartbroken. Kris was loyal, cantankerous to those she loved most, smart, smartassed, fierce, funny, quirky, biting, opinionated, passionate, and introverted (one of her many T-shirts proclaimed, “Introverts Unite…Individually”). She knew how to push buttons and escalate conflicts, not necessarily an admirable trait, but she mostly spared me because she thought I wasn’t tough enough to handle her. She was a big fan of Hillary Clinton and so wanted to live to see a female president elected. She believed in social justice, equal rights, and progressive principles. She was passionate about the power of educating women of all ages worldwide and animal welfare issues.  Kris was intensely interested in debate, religious beliefs, and reading. She loved to question and challenge her friends. She was wry and sarcastic, good-hearted and devoted to Darcy, myriad animals, and her friends and sister. She was stoic, enduring many physical challenges, some painful, without much complaint.

Kris’s obituary appears at the Direct Services website:  https://www.directfuneralservicesabq.com/obituary/c-kristine-osnes  Kris was cremated there and her ashes have gone to Minnesota with sister Mary for a Viking funeral on Lake Superior. Shhhh… Flaming arrows optional.

KrisE, wherever you are, I hope I did an okay job writing you.

Postscript: January 1, 2023. I finished reading a book called Ordinary Grace by William Kent Krueger. The last lines are profound and beautiful: “The dead are never far from us. They’re in our hearts and on our minds and in the end all that separates us from them is a single breath, one final puff of air.” This morning I read that to Darcy, the first person with whom I spoke this year after Mark and Autumn.

Another Folk Friend Gone Too Soon


I was heartbroken to read that Robert Fleming, “mandolin-playing physicist,” had died recently at home in Los Ranchos, NM. His was the best obituary I’ve ever read:

“Mandolin-playing physicist, Robert McLemore Fleming, 74, died October 31, 2020, at his home in Albuquerque, New Mexico after a brief, but courageous battle with cancer. Surrounded by his beloved wife of 52 years, Diane Fleming, his daughter, Dr. Chandler Todd (of Albuquerque), his son, Swope Fleming (of Boston) and son-in-law, Dr. Richard Todd.

Born June 1, 1946, in Nashville, Tennessee, to Swope and Margaret (“Peggy”) Fleming, Robert spent his formative years on a 300-acre horse farm, Antrim, in Columbia, Tennessee. Everyone who knew Robert, knew about that time he rode a pig, taught his mother’s favorite horse to swim, and landed a plane in a field of cow patties. Everyone who loved him, knew that his antics belied his brilliant mind. While his education began on the farm, he discovered his love of physics at Battle Ground Academy (BGA) as a high school student. He earned his undergraduate degree from Vanderbilt University, and a PhD in physics from the University of Virginia. Robert remained a student of physics his entire life and was a prolific and accomplished researcher. At the time of this writing, he is credited with 262 publications and over 17,000 citations.

In college, he met and fell in love with Diane Davis, of Memphis, Tennessee. His time was divided between parties at the Pike House, classes, and testing limits. Robert attended the Naval Officer Candidate School, graduating in June 1969 and was assigned to Naval Facilities on Grand Turk and Bermuda. His tours of duty included oceanographic research and participation in SOSUS, a passive sonar system to track the movement of Soviet submarines in the Atlantic Ocean.

After graduate school, in 1977, Robert and Diane relocated their growing family to Chatham, New Jersey. He devoted the next 24 years of his life to basic science research at Bell Laboratories as a Distinguished Member of the Technical Staff. His contributions there were wide ranging, from sliding-charged density waves to superconductors. Pivoting to a teaching position in the turbulence following the dot-com bust, Robert took on the greatest challenge of his life, teaching high school physics. The kids loved his creative approach. His problem sets asked them to calculate the electrostatic force needed to attach his first grandbaby to the ceiling, and he took them outside for labs, one time pushing his BMW convertible around the parking lot to measure forces.

In 2003, Robert became a Principal Member of the Technical Staff at Sandia National Laboratories in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Here he made important advances in the understanding of the nature of defects in semiconductors. He thrived working with his talented Sandia colleagues and friends until his retirement in 2016.

Robert was a man of many interests and talents. He was an amateur jockey, self-taught musician, and teller of tall tales. He loved Old Time string music, and played in many bands and pick up groups. One of his favorites was “The Over Educated String Band” which made annual pilgrimages to the Motleigh Musicalia. His best band was his family band “The Second String Band” with Chandler, Richard, Geneva and Caleb Todd. Named for their many second place ribbons, one year they actually won the belt buckle at the Santa Fe Old Time and Bluegrass Festival. Robert’s signature farewell at any jam session was, “one more last tune!”

Robert was known for his community service. He served in leadership roles in his congregations at Christ Church in Summit, New Jersey; Church of the Good Shepherd in Albuquerque, New Mexico; and First Presbyterian Church in Albuquerque, New Mexico. He welcomed refugees, volunteered at Family Promise, counted collection money, taught Sunday School (usually with his guitar “Big Red” and songs such as “Magic Penny”) and served as congregation moderator.

Upon a celebration of their 70th birthday, with friends and family gathered around the pool, grandchildren dancing with sparklers, and green chile on his plate, Robert reflected that sometimes the worst things that happen in life, turn out to be the greatest blessings. His smile, infectious and warm, would light up the room, and you couldn’t help but feel better for the hours spent with him. He never worried and he wouldn’t let you worry either.

Robert loved richly, played music beautifully, and made every room he was in a brighter, better place. He was pre-deceased by his brother Dr. Stuart Fleming, and his parents. He is survived and missed by his entire family, including his wife Diane, his siblings (James Fleming, Margaret Hewgley, and Tami Crawford), his children (Chandler and Swope), his children-in-law (Richard and Dana), and his four grandchildren (Geneva, Caleb, Benjamin and Ashley), and wonderful and beloved in-laws, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, and cousins across the country.

Despite careful research, the authors of this piece could find no evidence to suggest that Robert ever left a party early; if he ever left at all. Which is why his family will honor him in person, back home on the farm at Antrim, when the time is right. Robert had many different phases in his life from childhood country boy to international scientist. In all areas of his life, curiosity and optimism were his calling cards. He always had a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He loved life, and especially his family. He is dearly missed and left a legacy of love and joy in his wake.

There will be a virtual service live streamed on Saturday December 12th, 2020 at 2pm mountain time, by Christ Church, Summit NJ on youtube.ccsnj.org

In lieu of flowers, the family asks that donations be made to the Albuquerque Public Library Foundation in support of the Children’s Room in the new International District library.

The Albuquerque Public
Library Foundation
P O Box 25792
Albuquerque, NM 87125
www.abqlibraryfoundation.org

Published in Albuquerque Journal on Dec. 9, 2020.”

Then I watched Robert’s youtube memorial service: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJkQ6_aRNTA

The memorial is also spectacular and makes me happy to have known both Robert and Diane, however briefly. It appears that Robert and Diane have done a terrific job of launching children who exhibit thoughtfulness, kindness, intelligence, love and joy.

Safe travels, Robert, may the music be loud and plentiful, the laughs uproarious, and the views spectacular.

Adios, Gary, the Funniest Punster in NM

cheap-shots-2016gary-autoharp-0616
Erika, Gary, Bill Balassi and Peter Esherick perform at ABQ Folk Festival, June 4, 2016, with their band Cheap Shots

Gary Libman was a microbiologist, among many other things. So he understood better than most the horrendous odds he faced when diagnosed in June 2015 with Blastic Plasmacytoid Dendritic Cell Neoplasm (BPDCN), the rarest and most aggressive leukemia invented to date. I had to create a mnemonic, Banjo Player Destroys Cancer Nemesis, just to learn the name of his illness.

Off he and Erika went to MD Anderson Cancer Center in Houston, TX, the experts in treating BPDCN. Gary was upbeat, positive and hopeful. He endured a month of isolation with only his banjo (and possibly a few guests dressed in clean suits), multiple chemotherapies, and a stem cell transplant. The music and dance community, along with Gary and Erika’s families and other friends, sent well-wishes, support, and jokes via email, snail mail, and phone. Some even appeared in person to entertain Gary through the glass of his isolation room. I imagined him and his guests holding their hands up to their respective side of the glass, palm ‘touching’ palm, to say ‘hello.’ After months of endurance, voila! His leukemia was beaten into remission. No detectable trace. Magic words in the cancer realm.

Gary and Erika got sprung from the medical maw in October 2015, attended Boo Camp in the Jemez Mountains, played music and danced, tried to avoid germs that might compromise Gary’s recovery. They moved into their new home in the foothills of the Sandia Mountains, celebrated holidays, grieved the loss of Gary’s mom in January 2016, two weeks shy of her 100th birthday. They enjoyed life, love, music, friends and family. His hematologist pronounced him ‘boring’ because his leukemia was at bay. When he reported this to me, I could see that he was truly delighted.

But in April 2016 Gary’s leukemia returned, and he and Erika returned to MD Anderson in Houston. So many ups and downs ensued. He and Erika did come back to Albuquerque on June 4 for the Albuquerque Folk Festival that Gary co-directed. He played banjo, clarinet and autoharp onstage, resting between events. During the next few months, various friends and family visited Houston as the medical world tried to beat Gary’s leukemia back into remission. Despite numerous infections and weakness, he and Erika celebrated their 4th wedding anniversary on October 14 with friends. Then his earthly journey ended on Tuesday, October 18, 2016.

I recount this summary to remind myself that Gary and Erika and MD Anderson did all they possibly could to combat Gary’s BPDCN. And I believe the root of Gary’s fierce determination was one simple fact: he did not want to leave Erika and his other family members. He gave it his best shot, endured hell, jumped through all the medical hoops, even those in uncharted territory. “He fought hard” as someone posted on facebook. But biology, which will end each of our lives someday, prevailed. And now the world, my world at least, is a little less bright, a little less funny, a little less humane, a little less compassionate, a little less loving, a little less kind.

Because Gary was all those things: bright, funny (funny as hell!), humane, compassionate, loving, kind. He was a prince among men. He and Erika deserved more years of health and happiness, love and laughter. Yet they made the best of what they got. I loved hearing Erika guffaw at Gary’s jokes. I loved Gary’s jokes; he was my joke writer when I was onstage, calling dances. A true funnyman, a gifted comic, a clever wordsmith. He could find humor in the darkest situation.

Gary and Erika’s primary passion (besides each other) was making music together and with others. Their various bands and their commitment to organizing and running the Albuquerque Folk Festival energized our music and dance community. Unassuming, hard-working, creative, organized, they donated enormous time, energy, ideas, and money to musical causes.

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I was thrilled when they asked me to officiate at their wedding in 2012. They were the 16th folk couple I married. Their beautiful wedding in the foothills of the Sandia Mountains was magical, memorable for the variety of traditions, music, dance and pink boots that it included. They were married exactly four years and four days. They packed a lot into those four years and four days: travel, bicycling, camping, music festivals, jams, concerts, performances. They got to the “for better or worse, in sickness and health” part pretty quickly. Erika didn’t miss a beat. She stepped up, assuming the role of caregiver, morale booster, coordinator, protector, and partner throughout Gary’s illness.

None of us knows how long our life pendulum will swing. To say one should live with purpose and love well might strike some as simplistic. But that’s exactly what Gary and Erika did…they lived with purpose and loved well during easy and challenging times. This approach proved both simple and complex, true and heartfelt.

e.e. cummings wrote a love poem, “i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart),” which evokes the deep connection that Gary and Erika shared. The poem also reminds us to cherish those whom we love. May we all carry Gary and Erika in our hearts. May we watch over Erika as she grieves the loss of her beloved companion and our beloved friend.

Seems appropriate to end with a tune. A few years ago Gary was instrumental in bringing a fantastic group, Birds of Chicago, to the Albuquerque Folk Festival to perform. Here is one of their original songs: The Good Fight

Adios, #16. xo

Farewell, Richard Wilson, August 4, 2011

Richard Wilson1

(photo by Stephen C. Mills)

Richard Wilson, longtime dancer, dance caller and folk community icon, died peacefully today, August 4, 2011, at home surrounded by his family, wife Karolyn and daughters Emily, Karina, Lily, Laurel and Charline. Although he fought his melanoma cancer with all of his being, biology triumphed and death prevailed, as it will for each of us. Each year the anniversary of our own death passes us by with nary a blip or acknowledgement, mostly because we don’t know that day yet. Cherish life, dance often, support traditional music and dance, honor Richard’s memory by loving well and living with joy.

I first met Richard and Karolyn Wilson around the fall of 1984 at the Heights Community Center in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Emily was already born (and probably snugged to Richard’s chest while he danced). Karolyn was pregnant with Karina and dancing away. Both Richard and Karolyn glowed while dancing together.

Soon after, Richard stepped up to fill a caller void when Pam McKeever left for New York. We were a small group. I think Mimi Stewart and Richard were the main callers back then. Then Richard took a job in California for awhile, and the family moved with him. New Mexico called him and his family back several years later. They’ve lived here ever since.

One vivid memory I have of Richard is from 1991. I was a new caller, terrified of being on stage. So I practiced and practiced and practiced to overcome my fear. I called one dance (out of an evening of dances) in Albuquerque and one dance (out of an evening of dances) in Santa Fe. The Albuquerque caller coordinator then decided I was ready to call my first whole dance—on December 7, 1991 (the 50th anniversary of Pearl Harbor Day). I saw Richard at a dance before my gig and reported that I was about to take the plunge. After hearing the date of my first whole dance, he said, with a gleam in his eye, “Well, then, it’s OK if you bomb!” We laughed and laughed, although 19 years later, he claimed to have no memory of this exchange.

Richard believed steadfastly in giving everyone access to the folk community, be it dancers, callers or musicians. No matter what the skill level of callers and dancers, he encouraged them to learn and have fun. Richard was the first caller I ever saw fly off the stage and into the dance line, calling and dancing simultaneously. Eventually, I too learned this instant access to rhythm and community.

He and I had different calling styles, but we enjoyed egging each other on. He provided an entertaining evening for all in attendance. Once, in the early 1990’s, a new and unskilled caller stood on stage for 45 minutes trying to teach a difficult dance that he did not understand. After the music started, the dance broke down and people were gathering their bags and leaving the dance hall in frustration. Richard leaped onto the stage from the dance floor, took the microphone, yelled, “Line up for a contra, no walk-through!!” and proceeded to gather everyone back into dance mode. He saved the evening. This was the only time I ever saw him assert control over a floundering individual for the good of the group. Otherwise, he reminded everyone to be kind and patient, go with the flow, and not dwell on our mistakes.

An article called “Gotta Dance!” was published in GQ magazine in December 1998. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote about rediscovering lindy hop expert Frankie Manning and going to a dance workshop taught by Frankie, who was in his 80’s by then. Gilbert wrote, “For Frankie, style, dignity, dance and romance are connected….One of Frankie’s best students said, ‘Here I am, this head-of-the-household single black mother, carrying the world on my shoulders. But when I dance with a man, I have to relax and surrender. I have to trust that, for just two minutes, this man is going to take care of me….’”

The article continued, talking about how Frankie once interrupted a class with this statement: “’Fellas, the lady you are dancing with is a queen.’ The students laughed. Frankie said it again, ‘She is a queen.’ He was serious. ‘She is a queen.’ He was going to keep saying that until we all heard him, until we all understood exactly how serious he was. The room got very quiet.”

“‘And what do you do to a queen?’ he asked. ‘You bow to her. When you’re dancing with a woman, you should be bowing to her, all the time. That’s the feeling you should have. She is letting you dance with her. You should be grateful, fellas.’”

Richard Wilson2

(photo by Stephen C. Mills)

That is exactly how Richard danced and taught dance. He treated each partner as a queen. He took care of her, made her shine, guided her gently and grinned (even if the “she” was a guy dancing the woman’s part!). Then he moved on to the next partner with the same focus and flair. When teaching dance he wanted us to take care of each other. He wanted us to look beautiful. He wanted us to flow gracefully and to create synergy from music and dance. That was Richard’s goal: for us all to embrace the elegance that the marriage of music and dance evokes, to bask in the beauty of the moment.

He wanted us to have fun. He was the “pied piper” of dance leadership, often instigating long swirling, weaving, crisscrossing lines of dancers just to get people on their feet. He was a master of the grand march, directing dancer traffic into two lines of individuals, who reunited as couples, then two couples merged into a line of four, then four couples merged into a line of eight, and so on. Everyone could participate successfully and light-heartedly, as Richard subtly led them all to move effortlessly and delightedly to the music.

I’ve learned a lot from Richard, watching him teach dance, watching him share his love of dance, watching him build community whether it be a one-night-stand wedding gig or a regular dance, watching the twinkle in his eyes as he set things into motion. “Get ‘em up, get ‘em movin’” no matter age, experience, gender. Include everyone.

My most poignant Richard story occurred at New Mexico’s annual Folkmadness Music and Dance weekend in Socorro, New Mexico in 2005. Richard was supposed to teach an early Sunday morning English country dance workshop there. But he was in the middle of treatment for his cancer and was unable to do so. At the last minute, I was asked to teach the workshop instead.

To understand this story one must understand that, for almost 25 years, I disparaged English country dance. I heard birds tweeting in every tune, all of which I thought were silly. I lacked the grace and carriage to dance English well. I lacked the wisdom to understand the dance. I didn’t know it at the time, but I disgraced dance leadership.

Meanwhile, Richard loved English country dance exactly as much as I disliked it. He was the grand master of English country dance in his baby blue silk jacket with his elegance and poise, setting and turning and arming and heying with a proper English attitude. He had danced and called English country dance for years and years. He was the obvious choice to lead this workshop, not me.

Richard wasn’t a heavy-handed or judgmental leader. He was gentle. He let you make mistakes, he didn’t lecture. Maybe he believed you’d figure it out eventually on your own. I did.

In April 2004 I abruptly corrected my erroneous viewpoint. I was in Nashville, TN staying with Susan Kevra and Russ Barenberg. Susan took me (apologetically, knowing my lack of enthusiasm) to a small English dance in a hot gymnasium with recorded music. She taught Jaque Latin, and I danced it with about 20 others. At the end I said to her, “That was fun!” She looked at me in disbelief, and I clapped my hand over my mouth in shock. I was suddenly inexplicably smitten by the joy, verve, grace, and fun of English country dance. I started my English dance collection that weekend, poring over Susan’s dance collection with her humming tunes to me.

I share these details so that readers appreciate the supreme irony of me substituting for Richard Wilson in leading an English country dance workshop only a year after my conversion.

So it was May 2005 at Folkmadness, and I was emergency-subbing for Richard. I was working with a band called The Cantrells (Emily and Al, more serendipity, from Nashville, TN) who used to play English tunes 20 years ago. We weren’t at all sure about our workshop, so we had a band practice, complete with dancers, under the spreading sycamore tree the day before. The Cantrells brushed up on their English tunes rather quickly; they were great musicians. I figured the workshop was early Sunday morning; usually only 20 or 30 people showed up.

More than 100 people attended my workshop, including Nils Fredland, one of our guest callers for the weekend.

And it was the first time I’d ever taught English country dance. I started with Well Hall, not the best choice for a beginner’s workshop. But I had come to love that tune and dance, the many “moments” of discovery and interaction throughout the dance sequence. The music started and I was observing from the stage many flailing contra dancers trying to master a new dance style. It looked AWFUL until unexpectedly, an amazing thing happened: the music took the dancers to where they needed to be. They settled down, started floating above the floor and leading with their hearts, maximizing the moments. The transformation was beautiful to behold.

This was the only time in 20 years that I have cried on stage.

The dancers (many of whom were startled to see me teaching English) were touched that I was touched. We carried on, not flawlessly, but exuberantly, playfully, and truly in the spirit of English dance. And certainly in honor of Richard Wilson, whose name I invoked more than once.

Richard and Karolyn showed up later for lunch, and Richard sought me out to ask how my workshop went. I cried again, relating the details to him, and he seemed bemused by my emotion.

I went on to teach other English dance workshops at several weekend gigs with a mix of English and contra dance. I reminded the dancers that the great moments found in English dance could be found in other dance forms. Several reluctant contra dancers reported to me (with some surprise) that they “now love English country dance.”

In Colorado in 2008 when I called the Stellar weekend with Notorious and Hands Five, a retired schoolteacher approached me at the end of the English workshop. She said she enjoyed how I captured the dancers’ attention with my enthusiasm and love for English country dance, which she felt was strongly evident. I stood silently for a moment, with tears filling my eyes (I was off-stage). I said, “For twenty+ years, I set a bad example on the dance floor with my disdain for English country dance. And one day about five years ago, I ‘got’ it. I LOVE English country dance now and I’m trying to make up for all the harm I did before.” “Well,” she said, “don’t worry. You’re more than making up for it now.”

I partly credit Richard for this lesson, which took me so many years to learn. He had been quietly leading English dance for years. I think he taught me, just by his example and without me even knowing it, how to be a better dance leader.

Perhaps the greatest gifts that Richard and Karolyn have given to the folk community are their five daughters, Emily, Karina, Lily, Laurel and Charline. Watching Richard dance with each of his daughters through the years is a treasured memory. I suppose those girls had no choice but to grow up lovely, graceful, accomplished in music and/or dance. Karolyn is the matriarch of the family, raising five girls with love, warmth, strength, dance and song. And she has brought many other young lives safely into the world through her midwife practice.

Emily has been a skilled dancer since age five. When less skilled, much older men would try to guide her incorrectly in a dance, she would politely but firmly decline the lead and go exactly where she should be. Eventually, the men came to rely on her to get them where they should be.

Karina, also a graceful dancer, has evolved into a fiddler of extraordinary talent, the notes of English dance tunes hanging mid-air at the moment the dancers’ eyes meet or bodies swoop past. Her contra rhythms excel too. She started as all musicians must start, learning and goofing up as she went, visibly flustered when she made a mistake, forgot an A or B part of the tune, or dropped a phrase. Somewhere along the way, her tunes steadied, her repertoires increased, and she became an accomplished English country and contra dance fiddler.

A bunch of us travelled to Oklahoma City in February 2008 for an English country dance weekend with Bare Necessities. Richard drove with two of his daughters and several other young dancers. He enjoyed dancing all weekend.

My friends Meg, Kit, Mary and I joined the band for lunch on Saturday, and we told Mary Lea about Karina, who was attending as a dancer. Bare Necessities’ fiddler Earl had a high fever and struggled to keep up his energy. On Saturday night, we were waltzing to the achingly haunting notes of one of those “waltzes to die for.” I looked toward the stage and saw Karina sitting in with Mary, Jackie and Peter. I was stunned and thrilled! Earl was lying on his stomach behind the stage with acupuncture needles protruding from his neck. Karina, then age 23 and playing with some of the most talented musicians in the world, blossomed that night. Richard was there on the dance floor, in his blue silk jacket, applauding, proud papa beaming as he watched his daughter soar.

Lily dances wonderfully too. Recently at a benefit dance for Richard and his family, Lily took the microphone and called one of her dad’s dances, flawlessly. I didn’t even know she was a caller.

Laurel is 21 now, beautiful, poised, articulate, a dancer and singer. Her singing is the music of angels. She’s carrying on her maternal grandmother’s tradition of singing old folk songs to her guitar accompaniment.

The youngest Charline attends the Santa Fe School for the Arts, where she is learning to share her gifted voice and love of music. They all obviously doted on “Papa Richard.”

Richard devoted his time, energy, skill, and love to the music and dance community for more than thirty years, with enthusiasm and creativity. He and Karolyn have ensured that the folk traditions will thrive through their five charming daughters. Until the very end Richard continued to encourage our community’s youth and everyone else, to call, dance, play, flow, and have fun. Even when he was too weak to dance, he continued to bask in the therapy of music and community.

Thanks, Richard, for all you did for New Mexico’s traditional music and dance community. We are better dancers and leaders because of you. You will be missed for many, many years to come. May your spirit sprint across the universe and infuse us with joy and hope as we dance, play and sing in your memory.

Also, check the www.Folkmads.org blog for updated information regarding visitation hours and family support.

Cards can be sent to:

Karolyn Wilson & Family
P.O. Box 317
Glorieta, NM, 87535

The Santa Fe New Mexican posted a story about Richard at:

http://www.santafenewmexican.com/Local%20News/Richard-Wilson–1947-2011-Postmaster-danced-through-life

–Merri Rudd, Albuquerque, NM

Craig Tinney Departs This Earthly World

Craig n Mer, Tucson, 09/19/2009I don’t remember exactly when I met the Privy Tippers or the first conversation I had with each of them. I do have vivid memories of interacting with each as the years passed. I must have encountered them at the very first Dance in the Desert in 1995 when Wild Asparagus kicked off the marvelous music and dance weekend set deep in the Sonoran desert. I do know that I loved the Privy Tippers’ rhythms, loved their humor, loved their quirkiness. I came to love them all, both on and off the stage.

We had numerous gigs together—in Flagstaff, Tucson, Prescott, New Mexico. I thrived on the Tippers’ energy and utter commitment to enhancing the dancers’ joy. They said I was fun. Craig Tinney, the Tippers’ guitarist, called me “Sunshine.” Jerry Ray Weinert, the bassist, honored me by asking me to officiate at his wedding to Marni Dittmar. Dave Firestine, mandolin-maniac, learned new tunes for me just because I said they’d be good dance tunes. Jacquie Wohl (Craig’s wife) and I were both lawyers; we had fun debating issues of justice and conscience. Before each gig I would bake for the band (even carrying goodies onto the plane). Eventually, they would play one tune, then exclaim in unison, “We’re starving. What did you bring us?” I created some very musical and loveable monsters.

At every Dance in the Desert camp that I attended, I would dance with each of the Tippers before the weekend ended. That’s what made them such a great dance band—they all played AND danced. They “got” how music and dance fit together in a wild, synergistic heap.

In the fall of 2004 the Tippers and I were hired to be the talent for New Mexico’s Boo Camp in the beautiful Jemez Valley. There we nestled among radiant yellow cottonwoods along the raging Jemez River. Boo Camp 2004 045We rocked the dance hall. We dressed up. We did a wedding. Mark and I fed the band before the gig, then Craig drove up with me. That was my first long stretch of time with him, talking about hydrology issues and New Mexico’s water use. He was horrified to discover new development along Highway 550; he said there wasn’t enough water to sustain it. It was the first time I ever heard him rail.

Our paths continued to cross in the folk world after that, with more gigs and camps. Over Memorial Day, 2009 weekend, the Privy Tippers were hired, along with Bag O’Tricks from Seattle, to be the guest talent at New Mexico’s annual Folkmadness Music and Dance Camp. I admit, I meddled a little to make that happen. I thought it was time for both bands to have a wider audience in New Mexico. It worked out fine–both bands were wildly popular, and the campers remarked at how wonderful it was that the Tippers stayed up until 2 in the morning to jam with the locals attendees. Jacquie and Craig were so enthralled with the well-organized camp that they vowed to return in 2010 as campers.

In September 2009 I headed to Tucson for my friend Jean’s 90th birthday. After the party, Jacquie picked me up and took me to their home before our gig for Tucson’s contra dance. She, Craig and I made dinner, then went to the dance hall. Dave was out of town, so Dan Levenson and his wife Jennifer filled in. I had the luxury that night of throwing out the entire dance program I had planned on the airplane. The dancers were so skilled that I called dance-camp-challenging dances the entire night. It was so much fun, and I made a few videos of the band and dancers: Privy Tippers Rock Tucson Contra Dance

The next morning Craig took me hiking in the foothills where we saw a sun-drenched deer and quail. We had heart-to-heart talks about karma and nature and music and dance and caretaking and family and one’s inner psyches. We bought bread at Craig’s favorite bread place, then we joined Jerry Ray and Marni for a birthday brunch. Jacquie took me to the airport. That was the last time I saw Craig.

Two months later he had a motorcycle accident that left him quadriplegic. His brain and spirit survived, intact. I can only faintly fathom the profound transition from a physical life to a cerebral life, of not being able to shoo a fly from one’s face, breathe on one’s own, play guitar, hug one’s loved ones. But Craig took the plunge, did his surgeries, started rehab, moved to Craig Hospital outside Denver, thrived on the care and support and cards and jokes of family, friends, musicians and hospital staff. He kept his sense of humor, learned to “sip and puff” his wheelchair around. He must have had some dark moments, perhaps he wondered if it was all worth it. During the course of his treatment and rehab, he learned how loved he and Jacquie were, in the outpouring of hope and well-wishes from around the country posted on their CaringBridge pages. Hundreds of us collectively willed a different, better outcome. Hundreds of us failed to help Craig move even a finger. Goodness knows, we all tried our best. But it was not to be.

How delighted Craig and Jacquie were to return home to Tucson, renovate their home, see friends, eat their favorite foods, settle into the new life the universe sent their way. A multitude of friends and family attended the benefit for Craig and Jacquie in Tucson on June 13, singing and dancing and jamming and celebrating the wondrous spirits of Craig and Jacquie. They posted an entry on their CaringBridge page:

Wednesday, June 16, 2010 8:34 AM, MST

Thank you a million times to all of our friends who organized the Celebration of Friends and who worked for months to see that the event came to fruition.  It was wonderful, attended by hundreds of friends! Such great feelings, great music, great food,  great jamming, and great friends! Craig was there all day, greeting people he had not seen in months, and in come cases, years.  He was energized by the experience.  We both hope to see more of our friends when we can spend more time with everyone.  It was impossible to walk more than a foot without being stopped and greeted. Will write more later and post pix of the event. Just can’t say thank you enough.
Jacquie & Craig

Jacquie had a birthday on June 26, a big birthday. But Craig went into the hospital that day with pneumonia. He recovered quickly and was sent home on Monday, June 28. Tuesday morn Jacquie sent me an email that Craig had died in his sleep in the wee hours of the morning, Tuesday, June 29, 2010. She wrote:

Tuesday, June 29, 2010 7:52 AM, MST

Craig was hospitalized on Saturday for pneumonia.  He improved rapidly and came home yesterday afternoon.  Craig was very happy to be home and had a wonderful dinner of chile rellenos (brought by our friends Liz and Russ) and napolitos (made by Ariel from prickly pear cactus from our backyard) with our family.  He gave me a birthday present and wonderful birthday card and fell asleep.  When I got up at 4 am to turn him, I found that Craig had passed away in his sleep.  He loved all of his friends and so greatly appreciated the celebration that you all held for him 2 weekends ago.  Craig was continually amazed by the responses on Caringbridge.  He loved his daughters, his home, his friends, his community and his music.  Thank you all so much for making these last several months so meaningful for Craig.

Jacquie

I cried. I tried not to. I could kind of hear Craig saying, “Aw, Sunshine, don’t be sad.” But I cried. The world is diminished now that Craig has left this earthly realm. He was kind, he was smart, he was funny, he was politically correct (in my opinion), he was passionate, he was understated, he had a good soul. He was a damn fine musician. He adored life, Jacquie, his girls Ariel and Leah, music, and dance. He loved the folk community and his place in it. He was fully present and gleeful among his friends, all of whom he made feel as if they were the bee’s knees. He believed in the goodness of humanity, even when humanity sometimes didn’t deserve his belief. He deserved a better fate. He deserved many more years among us.

This morning while walking the dog I earnestly looked for Craig, for some sign that he was out and about and having fun. Would I see a ghostly image of him floating and playing guitar? Or dancing with a cloud? Would our local roadrunner appear with a message from Craig? Would I hear his voice in the breeze or the rustling of the trees? He wasn’t here, not yet, at least. He probably has a lot of travelling to do in Arizona first, before he makes his way to New Mexico and points beyond.

He may be physically gone, but his essence will live in our hearts and minds and spirits for the rest of our lives. Craig Tinney had true generosity of heart, the greatest accomplishment any of us can hope to achieve.

Information on Craig’s memorial on July 5 is at: Craig’s Obituary

Merri Rudd, Albuquerque, NM

Baby Cat, February 1993 – February 13, 2008

Inevitably the death of a pet makes you contemplate your own mortality. So I suppose I’ve been holding my breath and denying my mortality as we saw Baby Cat through his final days this past week.

Each year we celebrate our natal days; each year the anniversary of our death passes without note or fanfare. Although we don’t know the date of our eventual demise, in Baby Cat’s case, his two dates may well have been one and the same. We’ll never know for sure.

My husband Mark (with whom I share a 26th anniversary today) wrote eloquently about Baby’s Last Day and included much of his history.

Baby came to us as a tiny kitten with his feral mother. He didn’t purr his first year, but finally found his voice. He was so small when we first saw him with his milky eyes and backset ears that we thought he might be blind. He looked more like a mouse than a kitten. Eventually his blue eyes turned yellow-green and his ears perked up. He ultimately weighed 14 pounds, but we still called him Baby. Or Dude or Little Guy or Doodle. His white paws were enormous, compared to our petite Kitty. He was soft as a bunny, with back feet reminiscent of a jackrabbit. His long gray tail had 3 black rings at the tip, like a raccoon.

He was mostly an outdoor cat, sleeping under our spruce tree and the neighbor’s spruce tree. We tried to make him sleep inside at night, not always with success. But Baby always came running when I’d whistle for him, just like a dog. He didn’t necessarily stay inside then; he might meow plaintively at the door, wanting to go back outside. If the weather was bad or cold, we’d make him stay in. Or he’d come in one door and immediately trot to the other door to go back out. When the weather was bad, he’d check both doors, perhaps hoping for a different result, then turn despondently back into the house and lie on the bed or chair.

Each fall when the gas furnace kicked on the first time of the season, Baby would yowl in terror and run for the nearest door. Eventually, each season he would remember that heat was good (even if loud) and would drape himself over a pillow in front of a heater vent, fur blowing gently in the warm breeze. He would also nestle into the electric blanket covering our couch during the winter. Often he was forced to share the couch with Kitty and the dog. On exceptionally cold days, he would jump from the floor under the bedspread and nestle, a big lump on the edge of the bed. We never figured out how he could breathe under there.

Cat Decadence

Baby was a mellow cat, almost Zen-like. Sometimes he was too passive, submitting grumpily to Kitty’s constant cleaning of him until he’d finally had enough and would stalk away, head wet with Kitty’s saliva. He came home with scratches on his nose and occasional abcesses. We never saw him fight, so we theorized that he just sat there and let another cat swat him, then walked away back home.

He had his decadent side. He might lounge on one’s legs, like a tree branch, purring and cleaning himself. He’d stay there until my legs fell asleep and I had to move him to regain feeling.

Me as Tree

He never really craved attention like some cats. He wanted it on his own terms, usually when it was least convenient to the human. If I was sitting on the toilet with the bathroom door cracked, I would see a fat white paw poke through the crack, opening the door. Then he’d pad in, purring and butting my legs. I’d say, “Excuse me! I’m trying to use my litter box.” He’d ignore me and continue to purr and rub my legs. Sometimes he’d stand up, balanced on the toilet rim demanding to be petted. When I was weeding the yard, Baby would wander out from the bushes, butting my hand with the trowel. I always wondered if he could hear the weeds’ protest and wanted to stop me. When I was working on the computer, he’d jump onto my desk and stand on the keyboard, producing an endless series of s’s. I rarely minded his intrusions.

We also had a winter ritual. When I emerged from the shower, I’d put on my robe, open the bathroom door, and in would come Baby. He’d sit in my lap in front of the wall heater, and I would rub his throat and vigorously scratch the top of his head. He would act as though he didn’t like it, shaking his head and walking away a few steps. Then he would head-butt me, seeking more.

He had a ritual with Mark too. Mark is allergic to cats, although not deathly so. Still, if we failed to make the bed in the morning, we would find Baby curled on Mark’s pillow, never mine.

I have many images of Baby: waiting at the corner of our block, until we appeared. Then he’d walk alongside LuckyDog as we headed home, shoulder to shoulder, cat and dog tails erect, parallel plumes. He liked to sway; if I was on the wood-slatted swing out back or the quilted hammock, he would watch the motion and join me, timing his jump to the swaying. Once we had an infestation of mice in the garage and outside, and Baby ate four or five in one afternoon. I witnessed one mouse sliding down his throat, legs and tail the last to vanish, just like the python we used to housesit. In the morning I’d open the front curtain and see him on the front porch futon, lounging in the sunlight, lazily looking up and meowing at me.

In October 2007 we went on a short camping trip, and when we returned home, Baby was nowhere to be found. Mark looked around and finally heard him mewing sadly, but distantly. In our absence, Baby had climbed the ladder to the roof of the house, but couldn’t figure out how to get down. The neighbor and cat-sitter didn’t find him, and he probably spent one night on the roof.

Mark’s blog entry explained that Baby blossomed after Kitty’s death in July 2007. Irony abounds even in the animal world. Baby was mostly an outdoor cat his whole life probably because Kitty dominated and bothered him. After Kitty died, Baby evolved into a different cat. He stayed indoors much more, he talked often after 14 years of silence, he purred more, lap-sat more, visited more people who came to our house, rather than running for the door. But he didn’t get to enjoy his ‘top cat’ status for even 8 months.

It took us a few days to notice that he had quit eating. After a week, we took him to the vet. She found an abdominal mass the size of a fist. X-rays and blood tests revealed that he most likely had inoperable cancer. The largest tumor was inside his small intestine, blocking food. They kept him overnight to rehydrate him, and when I went to visit before closing hours, he had perked up due to the IV fluids entering his right front paw. I petted and brushed him and sobbed for a half hour, trying to come to terms with the fact that he was terminally ill and unlikely to live more than a few more days. The next 24 hours we debated: how do you know when is the right time to euthanize him? Why can’t he tell us how he feels and what he wants? We waited too long to euthanize Kitty–what should we do for Baby?

The universe sent more irony. As soon as I got home from the vet, the neighbor kids across the street rang the doorbell. They had found Baby’s collar, which had been missing for more than SIX MONTHS, in the church parking lot behind our house. I was certain this was a message from the universe, but could not unravel the meaning.

We had planned to euthanize him tomorrow, getting him through his 15th birthday and our 26th anniversary. But after lying on the floor with him for hours, gently stroking and brushing him, I realized he was extremely uncomfortable. What was the point of keeping him alive? We injected fluids under his skin to help hydrate him, but he couldn’t keep down the Prednisone, opiate, or even water from his bowl. So we called the vet and moved his appointment to yesterday.

The vet tech wanted to take him away to put in the catheter for the euthanization. But I had promised Baby I wouldn’t leave him again. So she inserted the catheter in Room 5, the room that you don’t want your pet to go to, the room where Kitty and our friend Meg’s dog Jackson were euthanized. I stroked Baby as the fluids entered his body, and we heard him purring, even during the euthanization. Then the purring faded.

When we got his body home, waiting to be buried, we both swore we still heard him purring. We hope we were wrong.

During the last few days of Baby’s life, Mark and I manifested our grief physically. Mark says his was a taut feeling in his stomach, like he needed to puke but couldn’t. I felt a severe tightness across my heart, and tried to swim it out at the YMCA. I also felt a great weight of sadness. After Baby’s death, I felt some relief from the physical pain. Although we are both very sad, we feel that we did right by him his whole life. We have no regrets other than that he couldn’t stay with us a few more years. We gave him a peaceful end.

My friend Ann wrote, “Baby’s a very sweet cat…really the best cat I ever met. With visits every four years, I only got to see him a few times. But I will miss him very much…he was very good company while I visited, more of a buddy than I ever really knew a cat could be. He made me feel at home away from home. He is a beauty on the outside and the inside….”

Although Baby shared the house with Mark, me, Kitty, and Lucky, he was my cat. If a cat can love something or someone, then I believe Baby loved me in his own cat way. He would curl up with me as I read a book, purring. Perhaps it was my warmth he craved, perhaps my company. It doesn’t really matter to me. Either way, I am buffeted by grief. Ann’s right—Baby was the sweetest cat I’ve ever met.

baby-loves-mer-1002.jpg
Photo by Mark Justice Hinton

Gene Hubert Goes Down the Hall

The New England Folk Festival Association web site www.neffa.org reports that “It is with sadness that we report the death of Gene Hubert, influential contra dance composer and caller, from pancreatic cancer.” Excerpted from the trad-dance-caller list: “Gene Hubert passed away [March 6, 2006] at Durham County Hospital. He was not in pain. Memorial service Friday morning at their home, in the garden. –Karen D.” On a personal note, Gene was my age, 51.

Many of us dance and call Gene’s dances, and we are lucky to have his voluminous compositions. Gene’s obituary is a remarkable summary of a remarkable man. May we all be so blessed, talented and missed when we go.

After pondering Gene’s obituary and his impact on the dance world, I am developing a new dance workshop called “The Dizzy and the Flow: a Tribute to Gene Hubert and his Dances.” I will present this workshop at one of the camps I’m calling at in the next few months.

Farewell, Mike


photo by Merri Rudd

Death of Mike Smith, Tucson, AZ, First posted, January 18, 2006, 7:16 p.m. MST

A few hours ago Tucson musician Mike Smith, pictured above at Arizona’s Dance in the Desert in November 2005, died unexpectedly. Yesterday, January 17, 2006, Mike fell off a ladder in his studio and hit his head. Despite medical attention, the damage was so severe that life support was removed today. Some of you may remember fondly when one of Mike’s bands, Round the House, visited Albuquerque in July 2004. They performed at the Biopark, jammed in Richard and Alana Eager’s backyard, and played for the Albuquerque contra dance. We enjoyed them!

Mike was a master of many things–the rhythm anchor of Round the House, as well as other bands; a skilled woodworker; a real estate broker; a philosopher. He was also a kind and generous soul. He loved his family and friends, especially his beloved Cate; he loved playing guitar; he loved crafting wood; he loved being outdoors.

I don’t understand the ways of the universe. I do know that we think we are strong, but we are fragile. We think we are immortal, but we’re not. We hope we’ll live to see another day, but we may not. We wish the world were just, but it isn’t always. Mike understood this and much more. We should live as if each day were our last, treating each other with kindness and compassion. I wish Mike peaceful travels on his next journey and the opportunity to jam with other great departed souls. He will be deeply, deeply missed by many. I am proud to have known you, Mr. Guitar Man.

WHEN I GO (listen to this song by scrolling down the page: http://www.folkweb.com/davecartertracygrammer/whenigo-load.ra )

…..spring, spirit dancer, nimble and thin, i will leap like coyote when i go
tireless entrancer, lend me your skin, i will run like the gray wolf when i go
i will climb the rise at daybreak, i will kiss the sky at noon
raise my yearnin voice at midnight to my mother in the moon
i will make the lay of long defeat and draw the chorus slow
i’ll send this message down the wire and hope that someone wise is listenin’ when i go…..

sigh, mournful sister, whisper and turn, i will rattle like dry leaves when i go
stand in the midst where my fire used to burn, i will camp on the night breeze when i go
and should you glimpse my wanderin’ form out on the borderline
between death and resurrection and the council of the pines
do not worry for my comfort, do not sorrow for me so
all your diamond tears will rise up and adorn the sky beside me when i go

WHEN I GO, lyrics and music written by Dave Carter
August 13, 1952 – July 19, 2002
http://daveandtracy.globalhosting.com/index.php